life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
