apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize