someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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