Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
