did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
