ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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