I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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