Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize