When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
People with herpes should wear stickers.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
