dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
