hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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