I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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