Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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