I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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