Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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