I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
