Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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