sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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