Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
