Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
