yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
