The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Drake has all the answers
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
