i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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