I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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