I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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