dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
