I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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