Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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