Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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