now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just gift wrapped bread.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
