yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
