I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
