My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
