So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
