Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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