but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize