paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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