My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
why do cheetos always look like penises
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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