If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize