I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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