You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
