does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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