theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
