Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize