If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
