now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
