I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
