omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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