when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize