I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
