I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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