I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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