My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize