so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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