To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My liver just had a heart attack.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
