I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
