Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
