I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize