When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
