your room smells of hookers.
And success
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
