ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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