Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
