you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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