just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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