So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize