My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
