it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
