someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
