I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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