Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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