We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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